It feels weird to be starting a blog again. It seems that I do this a lot, to no avail. I always promise myself that I will write more, that I will record this life that I am leading. I hardly ever keep that promise to myself... I wonder why. I suppose it's because what I am really looking for is someone to share this life with, someone that is not a blank computer screen. A blog is a way to record my thoughts and impressions of the world, but my art is an outlet for my sight. I guess I'll just start this and see where it goes. Try to keep it up. It helps when you feel like there are people reading it.
I wish that I could say something immensely profound about going to graduate school. In many ways, it is a completely new experience for me. But more often than not, I'm finding that it is very similar to what I just left... The level of change does not feel incredibly high - nothing is completely unfamiliar. I am beginning to fear that I ran away from what was truly terrifying - moving to NYC and just working.
And yet, as I wrote that sentence I was thinking of how terrifying it was to come here and do this thing called grad school. It was extremely terrifying. Nothing in life is easy, but putting myself in this situation was certainly a hard choice to make. And I'm certain it is the right choice. This is a wonderful school with many wonderful opportunities and resources. I know that graduating from here will put me in a place that is well-prepared for a strong, successful career in this art form. It will make me happy - so immensely happy - to spend three years working on my theatre education. Working on my artistry. Working on my skills. And I will be so happy for the working as well as the learning. I love the summer breaks where I get to travel across America to see all of my friends again. I get to live my other lives. See the small world of locations I call home. That is lovely.
I thought moving here was going to be easier than it turned out to be. The move here was a bit disastrous and I thought my parents were going to disown me along the way. In that weekend, I learned that my parents and I think in completely different ways. We are oil and water when it comes to organization and logic. I am a logical artist. They are emotional engineers. We are our own breeds of black sheep in our fields.
I love my parents, and I wonder if one day they will truly understand how much they inspire what I do. They don't know that they are characters in my every day life. I talk about them in every class, to every friend, to every teacher. I credit them with so much of my learning ability, my curiosity, my vibrancy for life, and my dedication to my art form. I am so grateful for their love and support... I literally could not do this without them. I think of the day when the will no longer be a presence in my life... and I can't imagine what that is going to be like. I could hardly imagine my life without my grandparents. Now that they are gone, I can only imagine how bleak my mother and father's worlds are. It is my job to be their light - their pride and joy. I want to bring them peace of mind knowing that they did something right in my success and happiness. Because they did. They did a lot right.
I am so glad to be here, to be where I am in my life. But I can't help but wonder what my self could be doing in parallel realities. I can't help but look towards the future, towards the past, and constantly jolt myself into the present. I go through bouts of boredom with assignments, excitement with challenges, and relish in detail work. I realize how much work I am doing - how tired I am sometimes, but I keep on going. I am also constantly aware of how efficient/inefficient I am being. Like right now. I am totally not doing an assignment due in the morning. And it's not difficult. It's an incredibly easy assignment that I will have no problem doing. I tend to do the most challenging assignments first because those are the ones that excite me the most. And then I'm stuck with the boring ones.
One of the things I did tonight was read Jason's blog. That was so wonderful. He has really grown into a beautifully thoughtful young man. He has matured so much in the last year, it is really astounding. I am so impressed with him. He has these beautiful, generous thoughts. And I can't help but be in awe of him and his experience right now. I only wish I was there to witness his metamorphosis into a beautiful young man. He is truly remarkable.
I have been a bit wrecked with infatuation here recently. I started liking a guy, and then he had to put our budding relationship on hold because he was hurt by another guy and had the realization that maybe what we were doing was no helping his emotions. Well that sucked. It certainly didn't make me feel good about myself or the situation I had gotten myself into. Why had I done this? It was so silly to fall for someone. But I always say that I keep my heart open and follow where the wind takes me. I shouldn't put a value judgement on this journey until I know where it has taken me. And that is not yet clear.
I should get off of this and start doing this utterly boring homework.
White people problems.
<3
DTM
No comments:
Post a Comment